I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize