She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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