There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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