In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
