Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
