Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
