If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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