who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
