She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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