i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
