My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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