I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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