Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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