My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
