Your face is a jimmy john
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
