i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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