I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
