tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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