I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
