Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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