The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
