Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
