There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
