Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
