I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Randomize
