I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
