So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
