His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
