I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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