You really coming over, don't trick.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
