omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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