foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
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i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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