dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
