OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
