I skipped work to stalk him.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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