ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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