You really coming over, don't trick.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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