I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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