he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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