you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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