I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
