Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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