They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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