My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
