allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
