seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
