I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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