sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
