So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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