he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
