I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm always down for nudity.
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