My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
