i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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