I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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