Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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