i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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